Timetable | Equipment
and other materials | Class
My private store | Message board | Contact details
A final Word to the Wise
As the current student population appears to have the memory capacity of the average goldfish, a copy of my timetable is now available for your reference.
I am fed up with being asked for these details over and over again, so now you have NO excuse for not knowing when you should be at my class (and NO excuse save a 'life and death' one will be acceptable).
See Professor Snape's timetable here
Equipment and other materials
My classes will introduce students to the mesmerising variety and potential of Mother Nature's flora and fauna. Students are expected to prepare and use the ingredients provided during class practical sessions, and to do so correctly and safely in accordance with my instructions.
Ingredients will include animal body parts - fresh and otherwise. Students are required to perform some dissections themselves, and the squeamish will not be exempt. I have seen EVERY type of fainting fit performance imaginable, and anyone who ends up flat out on MY dungeon floor will be left there to get on with it (and will finish the task later during their own time).
Contrary to popular belief, the ingredients do not come on a free-for-all basis. They are carefully allocated and anyone who requires a second helping through their own carelessness shall find themselves paying for the privilege in some small but significant way.
Additional equipment is provided where necessary, but I expect students to bring the following essential items themselves:
Students who find themselves to be temporarily lacking any of the above may choose from the small supply of utensils I have put by for such emergencies, though I regret that they will find these items to be extremely old and occasionally troublesome.
N.B. These items can also prove VERY difficult to clean properly. In fact, students normally find that they need to devote some of their own time to the job in order to finish it to their satisfaction.
Potions and pets:
I am not averse to small animals - they have their uses - but kindly remember that students are not permitted to bring their pets into my class.
N.B. Nothing spoils the tranquil atmosphere of my dungeon quite like the (belated) discovery that someone's Little Friend has inadvertently found his or her way onto my chopping board.
You have been warned.
Following practical sessions, all students must clean their equipment and desks before leaving the classroom.
Remember to check the area around your desks too. I should warn you that I make a regular habit of memorising every permanent stain on the dungeon floor, so do not be foolish enough to assume that I will fail to observe your mess.
It is vital that the equipment - particularly the cauldron - is cleaned thoroughly. It is equally vital that students note and follow my clear and succinct instructions at all times.
Practical sessions in Potions can be a risky business and so I usually recommend to students that they try to avoid causing mess and/or injury to themselves, other students, the classroom and....
....(to avoid the 'worse case' scenario)....
Anyone who fails to follow the above recommendations will face the consequences, ranging from the mildly inconvenient to the diabolically unpleasant.
N.B. The 'worst case' scenario
is traditionally followed by ALL available options
a bonus visit to the Headmaster's office.
Here at Hogwarts it is customary for teachers to punish bad behaviour by deducting points from the appropriate House.
In Potions, you will find that we enjoy this custom whenever the opportunity arises.
My classification of such behaviour includes:
8) Advising Neville Longbottom during practicals
9) Despoiling my dungeon with Gilderoy Lockhart's 'Pretty Potions for All the Family!' or equivalent drivel
My private store
My private store is exactly that and strictly out of bounds to
students; I am also unwilling to supply individuals with anything from it for
their own personal use.
N.B. The only exception to the above golden rule is my occasional guided tour of the store for a few select members of Slytherin House, followed by tea and biscuits.
For your information, I occasionally drop by the Slytherin House message board to see what you are all up to.
I normally find you engaged in idle speculation, attention-seeking histrionics, malicious gossip (sometimes - to my utter shame - couched in the most obscene terms) and fending off verbal abuse from other houses.
Ironically, this board is hosted by a muggle-built resource dedicated to He Who Must Not Be Named:
(Just my little joke of course, Mr Potter... ha ha....)
Anyway, while we are on the subject....
Making derogatory comments about any member of staff on this public message board is very unwise.
Furthermore, making derogatory comments (which are as infantile as they are wholly predictable!) about your own Head of House is spectacularly unwise!
Anyone who continues to demonstrate their failure to grasp just how unwise such comments are will likely find themselves spending the long, dark, freezing cold winter evenings helping Hagrid with some of the more tiresome manual jobs around the school grounds.
On a lighter note, I was astonished to happen upon some casual gossip concerning myself and the teaching of Defence Against the Dark Arts!
Where this morsel of puerile nonsense originated I could not say, but for those of you who lack the prerequisite brain cells to comprehend the 'complex' staffing structure here at Hogwarts, let me make one thing absolutely crystal-clear:
"I consider myself most fortunate to serve Hogwarts School as Potions Master, and the Defence Against the Dark Arts position is totally distinct from and unrelated to my role.
"The teaching of Defence Against the Dark Arts is not my responsibility, and under no circumstances would I ever be prepared to compromise my position by undertaking it on an unofficial basis. Gossip to the contrary is mere fiction.
"I have never overstepped my remit in this area and would not dream of doing so. We all know that the decision regarding this appointment rests with the Headmaster and it is his concern, not ours."
and anyone who publicly insinuates that I covet this role (or worse) will soon regret opening his or her STUPID mouth!
I may be consulted for Potions-related matters during class time. You may approach me at the end of class when I will do my best to deal with your enquiry, time permitting.
Members of Slytherin House may bring House matters to me between 6.00-6.15 am, every other Tuesday.
I am not available at any other time.
N. B. Please note that during mealtimes I am even more unavailable than usual.
A final Word to the Wise
Not only can Potions seriously damage your health but it is also a compulsory subject in your curriculum, so don't tempt me.